My friends, they love my intelligence
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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