That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
