my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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