Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
