Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize