my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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