i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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