So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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