I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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