My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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