i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
