I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize