I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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