You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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