my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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