Kiss
Puke
literally had 100 drinks last night.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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