I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
