Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
