Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
