I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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