Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
