he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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