so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I smell like Dick and happiness
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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