I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
