Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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