I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
