gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
