I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We need a shit load of segways right now
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
