So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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