Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
