You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
