mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
