This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
