I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
