I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize