I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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