im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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