that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize