No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
