I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
