the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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