We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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