Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
