so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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