why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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