i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
