I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
