Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
