Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
