I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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