I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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