dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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