I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
