Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize