You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
