Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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