sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
