Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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