his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
