I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
