HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
