I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
