Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
