I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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